We can always use a chuckle or a smile!
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Paraprosdokian
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness .
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk,
I have a work station.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to
stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president but 50 for Miss America?
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so certain...
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness .
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk,
I have a work station.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to
stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president but 50 for Miss America?
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so certain...
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.