We can always use a chuckle or a smile!
- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
- To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
- When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
- Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
- Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
- If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- I run like the winded.
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
- I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
- When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
- It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
- Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
- THAT moment...when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master.
- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
This is My Spot . . and I'm not moving!
Nesting Falcon - BEAUTIFUL!
It is a beautiful sight to see one nesting high up in a majestic Eucalyptus tree!
I've seen many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon in an old tree is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen.
Consider sending the photo below this to your older friends, since the younger ones probably have never seen a falcon, and wouldn't recognize it.
It is a beautiful sight to see one nesting high up in a majestic Eucalyptus tree!
I've seen many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon in an old tree is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen.
Consider sending the photo below this to your older friends, since the younger ones probably have never seen a falcon, and wouldn't recognize it.
Pregnancy Questions & Answers (for our kids and grand kids...whew!):
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you’re fatter than they are.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you’re fatter than they are.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
The Chicken Gun
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken!"
(True story)
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken!"
(True story)
He's 94 - she's 91...whew!
(This video has music so turn down your speaker volume, if necessary.)
(This video has music so turn down your speaker volume, if necessary.)