We can always use a chuckle or a smile!
|
|
Most of these have been around before, but they’re still worth a smile!
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. My dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. Atheists Anonymous is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine ..
17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at the vulture and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal was to “transcend dental medication.”
22. A person sent ten puns to friends, hoping that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. My dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. Atheists Anonymous is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine ..
17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at the vulture and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal was to “transcend dental medication.”
22. A person sent ten puns to friends, hoping that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
He's 94 - she's 91...whew!
(This video has music so turn down your speaker volume, if necessary.)
(This video has music so turn down your speaker volume, if necessary.)
|
|
Philosophers of the Past Century
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger..
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ W.H. Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
The only reason they say 'women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger..
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ W.H. Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.